What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 10:53
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was very sick at this time too.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I feel like my boyfriend doesn't love me. Why?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
What 10 things have you stopped doing in your life?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Why do I like to eat my own cum?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i do to all so called friends.?
She wouldn,t have been !
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
It was going to be , some day.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
When she asked me how she looked .
Why do men first look at a woman's chest instead of their face?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was 9 years of age.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So, i spoilt her more .
But, we were locked up after school.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I will be 64.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Would this be the day?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We all went to grammer schools
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My family never makes their pension either.
My life is so biszare .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Who then, do I blame.?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was seconnd youngest,
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We were not on the streets..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But ive been too sick for many years..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
What did i know ?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One cannot live in the past .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She married twice! .
She found it foreign!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Put me off passion for life!!
And i lived it daily.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I think the readers, may guess!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Comes on , in middle age.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I have no regrets .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So whats the point in blame.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I said to her
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Why did i forgive my father ?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I don,t even have a pension.
Ive learnt so much.
He knew the spot.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was in good health!
(And it was in our own minds.)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was scared of men, in general
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I couldn’t, believe it.
I waited trembling.
But it wasn’t much.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She loved him until the end.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
All the time i was locked up.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
This is soul school!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im still living with it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I write beautiful poetry .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.